It is freezing out, which means it is freezing in. I really need new windows, but do I want new windows more than I want to go to NZ next summer? I think not. Better to crank up the heat, the electric radiator and the gas fireplace for now. If Problem Child moved out it would be warmer in here because I could close the pocket doors and zone off the foyer from whence comes much draft. But he shows no signs of moving out. At what age will I finally throw him out? What do I owe to this surly adult child who seems incapable of navigating life even with my help?
So I continue to go to the gym a lot (I have been there at least 4x a week since I rejoined, and some weeks it was 6x), with absolutely no noticeable results. I don't feel more energized. Cardio still kills me. I am increasing the weights though so I know I am getting stronger, but I look the same, sadly. I have been returning to the trainer on Tuesday nights as well. I think this past week was the 4th consecutive week post-surgery, so yay me. Returned to WW a few times, nothing consistent. I NEED to lose because airplane seats are too tight for me now and that it the worst. I mean I fit in them and all but I feel like I am killing the person next to me. I just take up too much space on this planet. I look like hell and I hate wearing plus sized clothes. Tony Robbins says that when the pain of not doing something becomes worse than the pain of doing something, that's when you will do something, but let's face it, he is an idiot. A crafty, wealthy idiot but still. Snake oil salesman at best, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Dick Winters did a lot of reflection and it seems like I do the same, but it doesn't seem to spur me to action. I hate the way I look and I dislike my employer yet here I sit year after year. I know what the problems are and how to fix them but I fail to take the necessary steps. I am finally taking necessary steps to improve the way I look by exercising and going to WW, but it takes so long to see results that I fear another failure. Let's face it, the only way I lost weight in the past was via phen fen or however you spell it. And changing jobs is SCARY. And I don't like scary. Some people thrive on change but it seems I avoid it. There are so many benefits to my current job that it seems foolish to risk everything just to have a job I actually LIKE. So, fears (or is it just inertia?) wins the day. Although at work I am starting to "drink the koolaid" a little bit in the hopes of getting ahead a little bit. There is not a real path for me though at work. Getting ahead at this time means getting an AVP title, but that doesn't even come with more vacation; just a little recognition. My intense fear of the CEO means I won't progress too much though.
Still trying to console rather than be consoled, to understand rather than be understood and to love with all my soul rather than to seek to be loved. This is hard to put into practice though and the ideas are just hazy enough that I am not sure exactly what I need to do. Does it just mean to be empathetic and not complain? I am also trying to be more forgiving, because it is in pardoning that we are pardoned. But I don't think this means to just let people walk all over me. So does it mean to let go of past hurts and betrayals? Does it mean I should let Evil Sister treat me the way she tends to do? These are things to reflect on and to perhaps study a bit. But am I doing too much at once? Sometimes I think I can only handle one change at a time and right now I am pretty much trying to change my body & health at the same time I am trying to improve my position at work at the same time I am trying to change my entire philosophy to the philosophy explained in the Prayer of St. Francis. Which, by the way, he did not even write. I have been praying to him to help me with this.
Time to research mascara and then get to the gym. On a Sunday.
A toute a l'heure
CAM
